It's all a blur sometime. Waking up in the morning feels the same as going to bed at night. It's like the day never happened. In a year when I came so close to losing everything, perhaps even my life if I were a few days late to get to hospital, very little of what I considered normal before, now makes sense.   

My favourite music is all that keeps me going. The songs I listened to growing up. They remind me of those days when life was good, even though back then it felt like it could have been better. But I know now that's probably the best I could ever have hoped to get.

The past pops up in my head in flashbacks -- the first girl I loved, the first job I held, the continuous struggle just to show the world I was worth something. When in fact the world didn't care - for me, or my struggles, or for what I was worth. Because the truth is we are worth nothing. I know that now. 

I'm not perfect but I tried. To be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. On occasions I succeeded, and on others I failed miserably. But like a criminal you are punished for what you did wrong and rarely rewarded or even acknowledged for what you tried to do right. 

In a time when hardly anybody reads stuff like this anymore, I want to write about it, write about everything I'm feeling. Even though I don't want to talk about it out loud. Just like the song. 

I don't want to talk about it,
how you broke my heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer;

if I stay here won't you listen?

To my heart.

My heart is broken but my body trudges on. While my mind has other ideas. 

People still don't get it. As things stand now, we cannot beat The Great Corona, we have to live with it. That's the only way. Because people and economies cannot stay locked down indefinitely. So if face masks become the number one fashion accessory on the planet, so be it. I see many apparel companies already licking their fingers at the possibilities the humble face mask will have to offer. For women for example a lingerie set might now include a lacy variant. For the lads, well, as long as we don't have something that says 'Jockey' on it in big bold letters, we're fine. And in spite of all the precautions, if some unlucky soul still manages to contract the damn pestilence, we'll just say what we always say when misfortune befalls, -- 'Shit happens!

So if anybody wants to come out of this pandemic making a killing (no pun intended), start making designer masks. There could be formal masks for work and casual masks for the weekend, but what might really catch on are those that make a statement. For instance, I'd love one that says, -- Temporarily closed for business!

***

Doesn't it seem like people have gone a little overboard with the whole video-calling thing these days? Especially friends and relatives in other countries. Suddenly they don't just want to hear your voice, they want to see your damn face. I was forced to install a new video-calling app called Zoom that has all the Indians in the Middle East very excited because the Arabs haven't blocked it yet. It's bad enough having to spend so much time on calls with the folk from work, now you have to video-chat with people outside of work. I don't know about you, but I find it quite exhausting having to carry on a video conversation beyond the hi-howareyou with someone I used to speak to once every few months, if not more. And what does one say anyway? How are things there? Lockdown. How are things here? Lockdown. So the topic of discussion invariably centres around how each one is managing their version of this godawful lockdown. And just hearing about it is not enough, they need visual evidence too. Luckily on weekdays I've been able to cut these interactions short by saying I have just 5 minutes before I get onto an office call. On weekends options for escape are limited.

***

A friend on Facebook shared an old speech by Donny Trump where he told his countrymen to get their butts out there and vote no matter how sick they were. I  hope he doesn't do a replay of that at election time this year. With someone like him you never know -- he pushes the envelope like it's made of spandex! Some will call it stupidity, but I say the man has great testicular fortitude ... even if his testicles happen to be in the wrong place!

One thing I do agree with him though is his argument that the US should not be the largest financial contributor to the WHO. If you ask me that honour should now be passed on to China. In fact I say move the headquarters of the WHO from Geneva to somewhere closer to ground zero, like Wuhan! 

Peace, love, and the right geography!

How many times can you forgive someone for treating you like garbage? You can do it once, twice, maybe even the third time. But when they do it again, you gotta ask yourself, -- Do I really need this? It's heartbreaking losing a friend, more so when it's someone you've known a long time and shared so much with. Even more when it's someone you love. Or thought you loved. Until you realize they don't know what love is. And probably never will.

***

As I get older my head seems to be turning into this big repository of memories. I have frequent flashbacks of things like the first girl I had a crush on in school. She was a gentle, kind human being, unlike so many I've encountered since. I also remember all the wonderful music that I grew up with, which shaped me in more ways than I can think of. And now that the world is in the grip of darkness, and life as we know it will probably never be the same again, it's only these happy recollections that keep me going. 

***

I don't really want to talk about lockdown and isolation and social distancing which are the words on everybody's lips right now. Because it doesn't matter anymore. And frankly it doesn't affect me all that much. I've always been a loner, quite happy in my own company. Funny thing is sometimes even a loner needs someone to be alone with. Confusing as that may sound. 

***

I'm glad I started writing again. This little space on the www has brought me in contact with so many people, all of who I cherish, and some that I've had to forgive more than once, and probably will again, if they'd only say the word. One of the things this pandemic has taught us is that life is more fragile and shorter than we think. Too short to keep grudges. Too short not to forgive. Because love is greater than all the ingratitude and ugliness in the world.

***

One of my favourite songs, which again brings back a flood of memories. Ever wonder what it's like to sail all alone in a tiny little boat, just the water below you and the sky above. That's what love is in a way. Love is not having company on the trip, love is that little boat that keeps you from sinking to the bottom. Love is something you trust your life with. Sad how we get it so wrong so often.

From 1975, Rod Stewart - Sailing.             

So now we're doing 500+ cases a day! Thanks largely to that big gathering in Delhi of a group I will refer to as Total Jackasses. Chinese torture is what they deserve. But come to think of it, Covid-19 is in a way the new and improved form of Chinese torture.

And people are coping, yes. New skills are being learnt -- women are giving the men haircuts (though I reckon it'll be a while before the men can return the favour) and men are discovering the joys of housework.

We have a small open gym tucked away in one corner of the colony which nobody ever uses. Well, this evening I did for the very first time, even though I could see some of the wimmen in the neighbouring buildings quietly observing me from their balconies, probably wishing their old men would get off their asses. But no, let them watch Mahabharat; I'm very happy having the equipment all to myself. My favourite is the parallel bars which always makes me feel like a Russian gymnast, even though I can't do a handstand yet (and probably never will without serious injury). But I love the shoulder workout it gives me just doing dips. Burns like a biatch!

But leaving aside the gym/exercise bit, wouldn't you say we're actually keeping better health these days? It occurred to me this morning when performing my start-of-day duties, that my plumbing, and I'm talking end-to-end, has never been better, no Drainex needed. Goes to show how much crap goes into everything we eat outside. Frankly I don't ever want to go back to that again, most of which is overpriced garbage anyway! 

Great Leader wants us to switch off our lights at 9 p.m tomorrow and flash whatever illuminating stuff we want to flash. Now he clearly said lights, so why have people taken that to include ACs, coolers and fans? He just wants it to get dark, not hot. The poor guy must be feeling the heat anyway. It can't be easy keeping things in control when you have folks like those Total Jackasses running around. One Whatsapp forward I got says something about the light shining having astrological significance, which rings a bell from two Sundays back. But if it makes this damn pestilence go away I say let's do it. Though I'm pretty sure people will find ways to overdo it again: Last time it was the crackers, tomorrow I'm expecting a full fledged rocket show!

I say a prayer for New York City every night. I was awe-struck the first time I went there, everything was so big and bright. Must be all sad and gloomy now. No city should have to suffer the way New York has; I hope things get beter soon. Governor Cuomo is the kind of man the USA should have as President, not some specimen that belongs in a zoo.

Peace, love, and the right choices.

'Stay home, Stay safe, Stay sane' is what the hashtag should say. Because staying home and staying safe we can manage; staying sane I'm not so sure. In other parts of the world mental health specialists are working overtime to help folks like us who are suffering from the effects of quarantine, but what's going to happen here? In a country like ours where it is generally perceived that one would either have to be bludy mad or completely out of choices to make a career in mental health, who are we going to turn to? There just aren't enough mental health specialists for so many of us. 

What people look for during these difficult times is both comfort and release. Starting with comfort -- A colleague messaged me today saying he feels like a call center operative (which is one of the toughest jobs anybody can do) sitting in front of a laptop with that headset on practically the whole day and can't take it any more. "Do you feel the same?", he wants to know from me. Now the obvious answer is -- yeah kinda, and if I had told him that he'd have felt so much better, like he's got a comrade-in-arms. But here's the thing:  I  wouldn't really be helping him; in fact I'd just be making it worse. He'd spend another week thinking he's working a call center and will do nothing to shake his whiny ass out of it. So I tell him, "No man, I'm fine. It's a bit of a change, sure, but I'm coping well". Now by saying that he's gonna start thinking -- Dude, I gotta get my shit together. This guy is fine, why the hell am I acting like such a wuss! So the trick here is don't offer comfort. (Okay, maybe you can empathize a little but don't go so far as to get the other guy thinking he's the one that's fine and you're the one that's fucked up!). Given that this is what our life is going to be for the next few months we've all got to figure out ways to not go loco, by ourselves, without the help of a counselor. Because they're all going to be busy treating our Bollywood celebrity types, given that their barely available services will be so much in demand. 

Coming to release -- Release is good. Someone forwarded me an article today that activity in the bedroom helps to release a bunch of feel-good hormones which in turn somehow also helps boost your immune system. I don't know far that's true but I was surprised to learn that there are scientists actually researching stuff like this. In any case I hope that's not the advice the Italians took very seriously before social distancing become the rule. But now that it has, the article recommends 'self-service' which is fine in countries with advanced broadband infrastructure, not in ours. We're having enough problems as it is with everyone under house-arrest; last thing we need is people working and playing from home!    

So what do we do for release then? I'll tell you what I do: Apart from a few push-ups and squats in the morning (I can't do yoga - haven't tried but I'm sure I'll fail) and a bit of guitar practice after work hours, it's BBC radio. They have this great mobile app where you get a bit of everything -- various genres of music, news, literature, comedy etc. I usually keep switching between World Service and Radio 2 and let it play in the background the whole time I'm on the work computer, except when I'm on calls (sometimes even during those useless waste-of-time calls). Oh and how can I forget the blog posts - yes, blogging helps. Whatever's on your mind - write about it, read it. It helps clear the head, put things in perspective, and may even release more feel-good hormones than the activities in aforementioned paragraph. And it's low bandwidth so you'll be doing your fellow sufferers a service. Plus when this is all over, you'll have the archives to flip through and tell yourself what a swell job you did not going over the edge! 

Peace, love, and grappling hooks. 

I haven't looked forward to a weekend this much in a long time. Don't you feel that we actually spend more time at our computers working from home than we do at the office? They should be paying us overtime, they should. I was so sick of the office Lenovo that I put it away this morning and took out the Toshiba that's been my companion since 2011.  

I think it's wonderful that musicians from all over the world are doing these little performances on Facebook and Instagram, some even taking requests from fans. It's different seeing them do their stuff in a domestic setting; Norah Jones sounded great even thought she looked like she jumped out of bed and sat straight at the piano. What was really cool was Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman yesterday, where she joined in the singing and even did a little jiggy dance. She looks so fabulous she could pass off for a 25 year old!

Wonder what our Bollywood heroes and heroines are up to right now? The overly-sculpted chaps are quite likely losing muscle tone and the women are probably freaking out over their eyebrows getting too bushy. Hell, I say Urban Clap should be added to the list of essential services, along with the likes of Big Basket and Grofers. They must be losing tons of money I imagine, all our beloved superstars - no movies coming out, no ribbon cutting or brand promotion events, and no cricket for our Boys in Blue - oh that must be a bummer. Apart from recycling pics on Instagram, I think they must be bored to death. Same goes for that bunch of Instagrammers call themselves 'travel-bloggers', people I envy like mad. They're probably all done throwing up throwback pics by now. Come to think of it, my life ain't half bad. 

Back to virus related news, just read that the US is planning to evacuate its citizens from India. Assuming many of them are Gujjus going to New Jersey, I wonder how wise it is for them to return. 

Don't you think we're being bombarded with way more information than our already overloaded brains can absorb -- an 'infomedic' is what they're calling it. The worst are the ones that go about concocting all kinds of doomsday predictions which can scare the shit out of simple folk like us. Like one report I read yesterday which said that India could end up having up to 400 million positive cases by July and god knows how many million deaths. I mean how is stuff like that supposed to help anybody? Yes we know the number of infected persons is probably in the tens of thousands (because we cannot test everyone right now) but what are we supposed to do apart from what we're doing already? Or are they trying to tell us to build bunkers and stock up on provisions for the next 1 year. 

Let's just listen to the music instead. Got a notification just now that Playing for Change will be doing a live global jam at 9 p.m. CET tonight (that's 1:30 a.m. IST); they'll be jamming on 'Stand by me' which should be fun. I am reminded of the lyrics of that song by Paloma Faith.

You gotta make your own kind of music,

sing your own special song;

make your own kind of music,

even if nobody else sings along.  

Some random Corona thoughts:

-- I reckon the one place most people will make a beeline for as soon as this is over are the hair cutting salons and the beauty parlours! Because in 21 days the adult occupants of most homes in the country will resemble wolves ... and more frighteningly -- she-wolves!! Being bald never felt this good!!

-- People in extra-marital relationships must be having the worst time ever! Imagine carrying on the whole sordid business on whatsapp or video calling in the car park by making an excuse to go check on the car!

-- Those who have made a livelihood cheating people for years must be getting so screwed right now. One fraternity that come to mind are the Goa taxi drivers and bike/car hire guys. I'd give anything to see the look on the faces of those sonsofbiches right now! They so had it coming!

-- I had to intervene to break up an argument between a man and a woman at the butchery section at the supermarket yesterday. The guy ordered 5 kgs of chicken which incensed the woman because she would have to wait much longer. She looked at him angrily and said, "This is Indian culture!", meaning he was being inconsiderate toward all the others in the line. To which he says, "Aren't you also an Indian?" After which all hell broke loose. When it was my turn I ordered 1 kg instead of 2.

-- If you are Catholic, this years is probably the best Lenten abstinence you have observed. Ever.

Make no mistake about it: This virus will test us and will do everything it can to break us. We have to fight it like our lives depend on it. Because frankly it does.

This pandemic has also come as a brutal reality check for the world. We have been taking things for granted for far too long, and have let misplaced priorities, selfishness and greed drive our decisions. It's ironic that nations have spent decades amassing wealth and stockpiling weapons of mass destruction at the cost of the planet, and this virus just casually comes along and makes so much of that wealth vanish in a matter of weeks without a bullet being fired. When the so-called greatest nation on earth that has the capability to 'take out' anything they want at will, declares a state of emergency because they have a shortage of testing kits and medical resources, it goes to show us what we really are, in a way echoing the words of the Bible: 'For dust you are and to dust you will return'. We thought we were invincible like Goliath, but in reality we are as insignificant as the dirt under David's feet.

I think we will be changed people after this has ended. We will be better human beings - humble and kind, with a lot more respect for our planet and everything around us. We will stop fu****g around, and we sure as hell will know what we're really worth -- NOTHING!

For me the start of 2016 was like setting off on a great big ship to go on the cruise of my dreams to exotic destinations while having the time of my life. 

Little did I know that very soon that ship would hit a storm and capsize and I'd be left stuck in a very tiny lifeboat in the middle of an ocean struggling to survive each day, taking on whatever the elements would throw at me. And now I lie here battered and bruised on a rocky beach after an ordeal that seemed to last a lifetime. 

Ironically enough, another fancy cruise ship just pulled up a little distance away and there are all these people coming ashore, who for some strange reason are wishing me a happy new year.  

I don't know about them, but I'm never getting on a cruise ship again!  

***

So who do I blame? Myself for wanting so eagerly to go on that cruise, or the hand of fate for having such a sadistic sense of humour? While I'm waiting for the answer, the end result is that I have nothing to show for this year, nothing at all. And that can be quite depressing.

So I don't know if I want to wish anybody a happy new year. I'd rather just share some survival stories and pray that your ship doesn't capsize.  

***

This song is dedicated to someone who's had her own share of misfortune this year, someone I love very dearly. I hope 2017 will be kinder. On the both of us.

Peace, love, and a little more luck.              

Do you sometimes feel like you're living a read-only life? Like someone else has the write access and all you can do is look at what's being written for you and go along?

How hard is it to write your own destiny if you are powerless to do so? And what is destiny anyway? Is it even a real thing? Or is it just a word somebody coined to describe a situation you can't change, whether for better or for worse.

I like to believe that we are never really powerless to change a situation. It's just that sometimes we run out of ideas.

Peace, love, and a little more inspiration.